I'm going through a really shitty time in my life right now.

I know I shouldn't feel this bad about things, but what can I say? I suppose I could blame it on being an aquarious and wanting to improve and be different, but that would be kind of irrelevent. I could blame it on other people, but I've never been one to hold a grudge. I could blame it on circumstaces, but hell those are what I'm trying to escape.

I guess I could try to explain my feelings right now, but it's really more of a feeling, life being wasted.

I know I've gone on and on on these rants about people wasting their lives, and I'm sure as hell trying to get out of this hole of darkness I've found myself accustomed to in recent days, but it seems utterly impossible to say the least. It's like I'm stuck in the bottom of this pit and everyone around me is finding a way out, and I'm still trapped. Trapped in everything until 'circumstances' get me out.

Maybe I should stop comparing myself to others, maybe I'm just in a fail caragory all my own. I lack love, I lack a job, I lack schooling, and I have no fucking clue how I'm going to make it through my life if I can't even get a job at fucking Save-On foods.

I've been looking for a job for upwards of a month and a half and I've been on 4 interviews and I still haven't gotten one. It's not for lack of trying either, I haven't stopped handing out resumes, I've been handing out upwards of 4 a week going up to 12. It would help to have a car so I could commute, or money to commute, but I need a job to get that so :/

I know I should be somewhere by now, but I'm not. I'm starting to think I should have gone straight back to school, but then how the hell am I going to finance the rest of my life?

I'm just so frustrated right now, I'm ready to start shredding things, if I have to stay home and do nothing for much longer I'm going to go crazy. I went on a 2 and a half hour walk today around my neibourhood just to forget the lack of responsibility I had to come back to.

I need something to hold onto, 'cause if I keep living vicariously through my friends I'm going to go crazy. I love my friends more then I love anything else in the world, but I can't help but be jealous at how they've so gracefully moved on from the high school hell we all grew to hate and love. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be out in the wide world that is after high school, but I'd be happier to be out with some responsiblilty, somthing to hold onto, something to get me up in the morning, because I'm a perfectionist, and this plain, fucking, sucks.

There are people worse off then me, people who have lost, and people who are alone and don't have a competant family willing to stand behind them. I'm so thankful that I have what I have, even now my family is standing behind me and my decision to not go back to school right away; but that doesn't help the feeling of uselessness. When housework seems to be the only thing worth getting up for, there needs to be a change.

I can't help but be utterly convinced that I'm doing something wrong. Maybe my resume isn't right, maybe I just interview really really bad, maybe I just don't look like hiring material... Fuck.

Just a rant, god knows I need to bitch, maybe I'll feel worth something after this, but I doubt it. It wasn't meant to make anyone feel bad, I'm a writer, I just need release sometimes. Especailly when times aren't that hard and at the same time are harder then I've ever had to go through. Thanks for your understanding.

BSF